Buckbuckbuckbwaaaat? Starting Monday, Rogers is offering cable subscribers in Ontario a 24 hour rotisserie chicken channel. This is no joke. Just endless shots of chicken roasting on a spit. And you thought Americans were pissed before because they couldn’t get Aljazeera.
The Chicken Channel is 100% sponsored by rotisserie restaurant chain Swiss Chalet. Always so good for so little.
It will join the Fireplace channel, the tropical fish channel, the sunset channel and the CBC News Network as static services already offered by Rogers. A camera will lock on two rows of chickens turning on a spit over an open-flame oven. Set oven to 350, channel to 208.
And why not? The Chicken Channel can’t draw fewer viewers than, say, OLN, TVO or SUN TV.
Think how much money P.K. Pelad’Oh could save transforming SUN TV into a 24/7 St. Hubert Station instead of Fox News North. He could kill two birds with one stone by roasting locked out Journal de Montreal employees on a spit.
Other well known Canadian brands are gonna want in on this. Stand by for these future TV channels:

  • The Air Canada Channel: a fixed shot of a conveyor where your bag never arrives.
  • The Canadian Tire Channel: an endless shot of somebody trying to pay for a snow blower with 20,000 five cent Canadian Tire bills.
  • The Tim Hortons Channel: a static shot of one endless, sheep-like line of cars at a drive through in winter with massive exhaust clouds. Good times.
  • The TTC Channel: an endless shot of an empty driver’s seat with the bus parked on the street in front of a doughnut shop (could be combined with The Tim Hortons Channel).
  • The Liberal Party Channel: No image whatsoever. (He didn’t come back for you.)
  • The Beer Store Channel: shots of empties constantly rolling along a conveyor belt. (In the U.S. could double as “The Charlie Sheen Channel”).
  • The Shoppers Drug Mart Channel: shot of people waiting endlessly at a cashier while somebody fishes for her Shoppers Card out of her purse.
  • The RBC/BMO or any Canadian bank Channel: Shot of a constantly escalating number representing bank profit margins in Canada.
  • The Bad Boy Channel: shot of Mel Lastman shouting “NOOO-BODY!” over and over again until he is crushed by a heavy appliance.
  • The Hudson Bay Channel: an endless shot of salespeople trying to get rid of their overstocked Vancouver Winter Olympic merchandise.

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