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Harper appoints new Minister of Television

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OTTAWA—Prime Minister Stephen Harper today appointed Canada’s first Minister of Television.

In a surprise move, Brampton, Ont., resident Bill Brioux was named to the newly-created post. Mr. Brioux has watched television for many years and is also set to appear on an upcoming episode of Mr. Harper’s favourite Canadian series, Murdoch Mysteries. He’s also alleged to have written feature articles about the medium for several publications, including The Canadian Press, The Toronto Star and Toronto.com.
Harper told reporters Mr. Brioux was chosen for his impeccable attire (see above photo). He added that the new ministry would replace the Canadian Radio-television Telecommunications Commission, which was apparently phased out several years ago.
Brioux thanked the Prime Minister for “helping TV feed my family.”
Among Brioux’s immediate responsibilities will be arrange “must carry” status for Sun News Network, oversee the peaceful dismantling of the CBC and upgrade the cable package at 24 Sussex Drive.
Harper also personally requested more screen time on Murdoch Mysteries.
The Harper Government also plans to get directly involved in the next generation of Canadian programming. Among the series currently in development at the PMO’s office:
  • Lifestyles of Peter McKay. It’s all champagne wishes and caviar dreams for the jet setting Minister in this aspirational series set aboard a Skyking ‘chopper.
  • Combat Hospital Canada. Real Canadian hospitals are transformed into temporary M*A*S*H units as the federal government opts out of transferring tax funds to the provinces.
  • Tony Clement’s Wheel of Fortune. Contestants simple have to live in Clement’s central Ontarioriding to enjoy $500 million worth of exciting prizes and upgrades.
  • Breaking Bad Canada. The Conservatives prorogue Parliament, invoke closure and enforce all manner of means to “break” for the winter recess.
  • Corner Gas Emissions. Environment minister Peter Kent pulls Canada out of the Kyoto accord, leading to this comedy about a new chain of leaded gas stations run by wacky and colourful locals.
  • Sons of Anarchy Canada: This two-part documentary looks at the opposition party’s feeble attempts to find new leaders.

The ministry has been imbued with special powers, including full use of the War Measures Act. Brioux has also been charged with finding more former CTV news anchors and correspondents to take their rightful place in the senate.

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