With apologies to David Letterman, here are the Top 10 Reasons why that Canadian Olympic “Own the Podium” slogan isn’t working out:

10. Bobsledders thought it was “own the per diem”
9. Alpine team freaked because wavy medals look like they’ve been left out in the sun
8. Super-G team too busy out fighting Super-G crime
7. Snowboarders still bummed out about the death of Gordon Lightfoot
6. Short track speed skaters waiting for IKEA to finish the podium
5. Lightweight Olympic Morning coverage leaving athletes feeling queasy, disoriented
4. Figure skaters distracted by TCM’s 31 Days of Oscar
3. Men’s downhill team still a little touchy about that opening ceremonies pole failure
2. Confusion after Harper government decision to prorogue the podium
1. Three words: free Canadian beer

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