Starweek: TV Listings You Won’t Find On-line

Are you like me? Do you miss TV listings? The good news is you can still find them every Saturday in the Toronto Star’s Starweek magazine (which I’m happy to report beat projections on that 50 cent signup deal). In case you didn’t sign up (and there’s still time), here’s what you’re missing in these top secret listings just about to go to press:

BREAKING BAD–Drama
Larry King’s flatulence problem is harnessed by drug dealers in order to produce high levels of methane gas.
NUMB3RS–Drama
The Vancouver Olympic broadcast consortium discover that you can triple the Winter Games ratings by multiplying everything by an embedded “3”
THE DENTALIST–Drama
An amateur crime solver looks for clues in people’s mouths. Tonight:Patrick Jane chews out a client.
THE MARRIAGE REF–Game
This week: Tiger Woods gives tips to celebrity couple Sandra Bullock and Jesse James
REPUBLIC OF DULL–Drama
Jake and Malachy are hired to investigate why Steven & Chris were brought back on the air
BLOOD TEST!–Game

OMNI1, LEAFS NOTHING–Sports

BORING ERICA–Fantasy
Erica goes back in time to when this series was actually watchable.
THE BRIDGE–Drama
Part of Michael Jackson’s original nose declares itself the King of Pop’s true benefactor.
HEARTLAND–Drama
Nfld premiere Danny Williams seeks a land where he can get his heart fixed.
UNDERCOVER BOSS–Reality
The Chairman of the Sun Media chain goes undercover at one of his dailies, is recognized by the few remaining workers and is beaten to death (end of series).
HICCUPS–Comedy
Results from the latest Portable People Meter ratings are analyzed.
THE GOOD WIFE–Drama
Sandra Bullock has enough with being the good wife and beats the crap out of Jesse James (end of series).
THE BORDER–Drama
The crack anti-terrorist team is called in to investigate why CBC buried this show on Thursdays opposite Grey’s Anatomy.
MOVIE–Drama: 2 hrs * * * “Keep Your Ratings Up, Kid: The George Stroumboulopoulos Story” (2010). The host of a “hip” late night talk show spikes ratings by tasering all of his guests through his nose ring. Sarah Palin: Tina Fey.