Once upon a time, back in the long-ago era of the 1980s, there were two ‘pay TV’ stations that started life on the high road.
One was named Arts & Entertainment, or A&E. It specialized in theatre, plays, foreign films … artsy stuff. The other was called The Learning Channel, or TLC. Its goal was educational programming.
Both stations exist today but could not be further from their initial lofty goals.
A&E – which now stands for, well, nothing – is 24/7 of addictive trash, hours of programming that will make you lose your faith in humanity. The only thing you will learn from TLC is not to watch TLC.
Most A&E programming falls under the rubric of ‘reality’ television, much of which is culled from security, auto and police body cameras. Do you enjoy watching people lose their shit while driving? Try Road Wars. If you enjoy watching shoppers (most often white women, the notorious ‘Karens’ of the world) lose their minds over toilet tissue, then Customer Wars is right up your alley. And speaking of alleys, Neighbourhood Wars has neighbours fighting over alleys and lawns and parking and all the other trivialities of life on this planet. Court Cam captures the day-to-day mayhem in American courts. Storage Wars has a cast of deliberately colourful characters bidding on the contents of abandoned storage lockers, hoping to hit it big. (Amazingly, they often do.) There are hours of programming of the police at work via body, dashboard and helicopter cameras. (I will say, after watching some of this stuff, that American cops are quick to haul out the heavy artillery in any situation.)
All of this programming must be incredibly cheap to make; a full day of programming on A&E probably sets the channel back about $100. I recommend against watching any of the above shows, however. A&E programs are crack TV; each show is craftily produced to keep you watching through commercial breaks. Just before the big payoff scene (car crash, gunfire, middle-aged woman punching a Wal-Mart clerk) all of these shows cut to commercial, forcing you to sit through ads for walk-in bathtubs and insurance to see how the car crash, gunfire or assault turns out. Before you know it, you’ve spent two hours watching truly terrible TV.
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If A&E sounds a little too highbrow for you, take a dive into TLC. Warning: if you’re prone to getting queasy over grotesque body parts, avoid TLC. (All of the following programs are real shows on TLC. Seriously.)
My Feet Are Killing Me is about people who have seriously deformed feet. One show featured a man who urinates on his feet, another featured a woman with twisted toes. In one episode, “Dr. Brad” removes horns coming out of a woman’s feet, while “Dr. Sarah” treats three sisters who have six ‘fungus feet’.
Botched Bariatrics profiles people who have had bad experiences with fat removal surgery. “Sean’s nightmare keeps coming true,” the recap says. “He can’t stop pooping himself on stage.”
Nothing, however, tops Dr. Pimple Popper for shock value. Dr. Pimple Popper has made Dr. Sandra Lee into a star of sorts. It’s been on TLC for nine seasons, and I can’t watch it for more than a few seconds. Pimple popping doesn’t do justice to the gross surgical procedures seen on the show.
TLC loves enormous people, like the series My 600 Pound Life, or The 1,000 Pound Sisters. Sex Sent Me to the ER is self-explanatory. Baylen Out Loud is about a woman with Tourette’s syndrome. My Strange Addiction is about people with, well, strange addictions, like sniffing gasoline, snorting baby powder, and one guy who is dating his car.
And finally, remember the episode of 30 Rock where NBC airs a hit show called MILF Island? Hilarious, right? Well, on TLC there’s a ‘dating’ show called MILF Manor, where young hunks go to an island paradise with much older women they would like to … er, have ‘fun’ with.
I advise against watching anything on A&E or TLC. If you do, you might find yourself the star of a potential TLC show: I’m a TLC Addict.
