From Monday’s late night talk shows:

I’m Dave Letterman, or as the staff likes to call me, “the royal baby.”

Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They’re the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news — I mean, if the year was 1250 then it would be big news.
They named the boy Festus.
The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown.—David Letterman

I’m sure you all heard the news about the royal baby. William and Kate are the proud parents of a baby boy. Can you believe the media coverage? You’d think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having a kid.—Jay Leno
The royal baby was born today. But don’t worry, America, we still have Honey Boo Boo.
Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he’ll be named George after the George Foreman Grill.
Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is 8 pounds. Then again, you can’t really put a price on a child.—Conan O’Brien
It’s a great day for our friends in the U.K. There’s a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby.
The prince said what any proud family member would say: “Back of the line, junior.”
There were very few people in the room for the birth. Prince William, the father, was there. Kate Middleton’s mother was there, and Neil Patrick Harris — I believe he was there. He does the Emmys, the Tonys, the royal birth. And you know what, he makes it better. Normally I don’t enjoy these things but when Neil does it, it’s entertaining.—Craig Ferguson

It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about 8 pounds. Americans were like, “How much is that in dollars?”


Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, “Oh, my God. What’s labor?”–Jimmy Fallon

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